Why I Did Not Wear Purple

or why the cause of the "moment" has to be longer than a moment

In recent weeks youth who identify as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (GLBTQ) have been prominently featured in the news with focus on the most recent cycle of suicides, attempted suicides and bullying attributed to GLBTQ identity. This media frenzy has included the video project, It Gets Better Project initiated by Dan Savage. This is one of many outreach efforts to address the unique needs of this highly vulnerable group. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has created an event: Wear Purple on Wednesday October 20, 2010 for Spirit Day to show your support for the teens who took their lives because of anti-LGBT bullying.

I applaud these efforts.
I am not hating/ critiquing/shaming these efforts in any way.
I am however, calling myself and others to task to do more than wear purple.
One day/act (noting the singular) is not enough.

My working assumptions:

OUR CHILDREN ARE DYING. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Our= mine, yours, his, hers, zer-unbound from everything; connected in the web of life. These are OUR children.

Children=someone’s son, daughter, niece, nephew, step son/daughter, best friends; no matter their age, they were someone’s child.

Death= death of spirit happens in daily acts: hiding your queer parents, starve/ overeat, cut, etc. Death of the body is a final act; an attempt to control the pain that feels insurmountable.

Bullies do not reserve their brutality to GLBTQ persons.
Bulling happens every day for a real or perceived difference: being differently abled, fat, thin, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, too middle class, perceived level of promiscuity, type of dwelling, location of dwelling, shoes, facial features of any kind, out of school activities, in school activities, band participation, faith, gender presentation, role in the school play. I am not attempting to take away from the gross realities of GLTBQ youth but rather highlight the fact that cruelty has no bounds.

Bulling is not connected to age or maturity level.
Bullying is not just happening youth to youth. Unfortunately, everyone can bully and everyone can be bullied. I have met many adult bullies whose victim pool was anyone in their path. Coaches who pit players again each others, Co workers who gossip, roommates who write passive aggressive notes, lovers who use sex/kids as tools of manipulation, the aggressive pee wee soccer parent.


The cause of the "moment" has to be longer than a moment

First, I understand the need to take advantage of the media’s short attention span, to zone in on GLBTQ youth issues, however, I think we (the royal we of GLBTQA community) send an equally scary message to youth when we only respond to the violence. We say very loudly: you have to die to matter.

It was always going to get better, it is sad that the youth listed below had to take their lives before WE rallied and spoke up and to queer youth. When we link our collective response to these tragic events, we send a dual message to youth. We have to consider all the messages we send even the positive well intentioned messages. Youth always need our love, support and mentorship.

Justin Aaberg 15;
Tyler Clementi 18;
Seth Walsh 13;
Asher Brown 13;
Raymond Chase 19;
Aiyisha Hassan 19;
Billy Lucas 15;
Jeanine Blanchette 21;
Chantal Dube 17;
Chloe Lacey 18;
Zach Harrington 19 and
Cory Jackson, 19

Second, in my opinion, bulling/abuse is (a) a flawed effort to gain power; (b) a reflection of behaviors that are modeled and positively affirmed to the bully; (c) reinforced when bystanders are idle; (d) evidence that our culture has normalized verbal, physical and emotional violence.

I could speak to each of these in detail, but for brevity I will say we need to empower others in meaningful ways; this is not the same as patronizing. If we bear witness to any behavior that makes us uncomfortable, we need to be brave enough to call it out- for the bully, the person being bullied and our own personhood. Our humanity is interlinked, every time we do not address abuse we move further from the creation of a safe healthy community. Finally, we have a growing immunity to recognizing violence. We are inundated with such a relentless stream of violence in all forms of media we are coming to a place where we can no longer see it to even call it out. We cannot allow violence of any kind to continue on a path of normalization- it’s simply not normal.

Third, as members of the royal WE community we need to call ourselves to task. Do we use discriminatory language in our everyday that communicates our distain/disapproval of any one group (that is so retarded! that is ghetto! that is so gay!) Are we active and present in changing our behaviors when they make us feel uncomfortable rather than waiting for a cultural paradigm shift that makes our behaviors no longer acceptable (I stopped saying gyped, jewed down, and Indian giver to name a few about five years ago. CNN and Dan Savage could care less). Are we able to call people to task in a loving manner? Are we open to being called out for a behavior that needs loving attention? Do we learn more than the Wikipedia version about the topic, do we take the time to grow in our understanding so we can be a community resource on the topic?

Do we support organizations in their long term efforts to support venerable groups such as GLBTQ youth? Do we donate money? Do we donate our time? Attend their annual event? Click a link and share it on our facebook page so others can learn about the organizational efforts and can contribute as they are able to the organizations success?
And at the root, I would ask: How are WE shifting from caring, compassionate voyeurs into caring, compassionate action-focused activists?

I struggle with onetime events such as wear purple day, pink for breast cancer, rainbow for pride, red for HIV/AIDS awareness or get to excited about women’s/blacks/GLBT history month. I validate the importance of having a rallying point, a group effort to indicate solidarity. However, I live my complicated reality everyday.

In no order: I am black, I am a woman, I am queer, I am a mother, I am poor, I am middle class, I have a mental illness, I am over educated, I am faith filled, I am happy. I cannot even image how many people I piss off on a daily basis by virtue of breathing in an out.

I did not wear purple today, no red on December 1 (World AIDS day) and come June, I will be dodging rainbows like it was an Olympic sport.

I do have your back the other 364 days/11 months of the year.

• I will not tolerate violence to take place in my presence. No, not an option.
• I will call you out in loving/learning manner if you say something classist, racist, xenophobic, ablest, sexist, transphobic, size phobic or ageist.
• In the future, I will resume my support (time and financial) of organizations whose missions align with my beliefs.
• I rock no less than 4 rainbow stickers on my car.
• I will out myself as a queer parent to fight hetero normative stereotypes. Being a parent does not make me straight.
• I will speak with/on behalf of/for marginalized communities when appropriate.

My aim this day and every day is maintain the dignity of others by being present in my own behaviors, being brave enough to act when called out and to love fiercely.