Fire Fly Goddess

When I read your note to her, "Firefly Goddess", my heart skipped a beat. My best friend from youth died five years ago, and the symbol of the firefly resonated really strongly with her. I found out later that the firefly symbolizes transformation, and shared that with her family. Anyway, I wanted to let you know some of the meaning it has for me too. ::Hugs:: Karen S.

This a old poem that I remastered-Karen thanks for the reminder;
Lida- I had to feed your persistence and patience.

Fire Fly Goddesses:
We call each other sister,
We assume if you are in the range of our voices you know to whom we speak.
Sister is no longer an improper noun in our presence; it has been reclaimed as transformation,
We have never spoken of the rapture but recall it clearly as metamorphosis of emotional Diaspora.

One day I heard and I was sister,
I quickly learned the register in which to respond, while learning their tones.
If you listen with deep intention, our conversations weave a warm cocoon quilt around
who we are,
what have become and
the journey itself.

We are omnipresent through this intricate sister woven web;
with the correct inflection
we can call down thunder,
Give birth to light,
calm oceans of pain and
become phoenix fire.

Sister is more than a summons it is the rhythm by which our first heart songs were strummed.

We move in the world with marrow level understanding that our individual realities are a collective point of departure,
deep breath,
battle hymn,
letting go place.

You know all these things about us and you no nothing about us;
what we have done, will do and what fates we are carving out with pain, broken toothpicks and slivers of self doubt.

We are:
The ageless harbinger:
Begging for forgiveness for the she cannot remember if she done

The dreamer:
Giving birth to ideas, while searching for answers to questions that can never be asked


The winter river:
Moving swiftly, creating resolve rather than waiting for it to come in a spring thaw

And the heart:
Cultivating hope and deliberating the possibilities in deep indigo magenta hues

We have no shame
motivation
or faith.

No one will believer from where we have come, this is where we have arrived for
We are the fly fire sisters

Why I Did Not Wear Purple

or why the cause of the "moment" has to be longer than a moment

In recent weeks youth who identify as Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (GLBTQ) have been prominently featured in the news with focus on the most recent cycle of suicides, attempted suicides and bullying attributed to GLBTQ identity. This media frenzy has included the video project, It Gets Better Project initiated by Dan Savage. This is one of many outreach efforts to address the unique needs of this highly vulnerable group. The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has created an event: Wear Purple on Wednesday October 20, 2010 for Spirit Day to show your support for the teens who took their lives because of anti-LGBT bullying.

I applaud these efforts.
I am not hating/ critiquing/shaming these efforts in any way.
I am however, calling myself and others to task to do more than wear purple.
One day/act (noting the singular) is not enough.

My working assumptions:

OUR CHILDREN ARE DYING. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Our= mine, yours, his, hers, zer-unbound from everything; connected in the web of life. These are OUR children.

Children=someone’s son, daughter, niece, nephew, step son/daughter, best friends; no matter their age, they were someone’s child.

Death= death of spirit happens in daily acts: hiding your queer parents, starve/ overeat, cut, etc. Death of the body is a final act; an attempt to control the pain that feels insurmountable.

Bullies do not reserve their brutality to GLBTQ persons.
Bulling happens every day for a real or perceived difference: being differently abled, fat, thin, too smart, not smart enough, too rich, too poor, too middle class, perceived level of promiscuity, type of dwelling, location of dwelling, shoes, facial features of any kind, out of school activities, in school activities, band participation, faith, gender presentation, role in the school play. I am not attempting to take away from the gross realities of GLTBQ youth but rather highlight the fact that cruelty has no bounds.

Bulling is not connected to age or maturity level.
Bullying is not just happening youth to youth. Unfortunately, everyone can bully and everyone can be bullied. I have met many adult bullies whose victim pool was anyone in their path. Coaches who pit players again each others, Co workers who gossip, roommates who write passive aggressive notes, lovers who use sex/kids as tools of manipulation, the aggressive pee wee soccer parent.


The cause of the "moment" has to be longer than a moment

First, I understand the need to take advantage of the media’s short attention span, to zone in on GLBTQ youth issues, however, I think we (the royal we of GLBTQA community) send an equally scary message to youth when we only respond to the violence. We say very loudly: you have to die to matter.

It was always going to get better, it is sad that the youth listed below had to take their lives before WE rallied and spoke up and to queer youth. When we link our collective response to these tragic events, we send a dual message to youth. We have to consider all the messages we send even the positive well intentioned messages. Youth always need our love, support and mentorship.

Justin Aaberg 15;
Tyler Clementi 18;
Seth Walsh 13;
Asher Brown 13;
Raymond Chase 19;
Aiyisha Hassan 19;
Billy Lucas 15;
Jeanine Blanchette 21;
Chantal Dube 17;
Chloe Lacey 18;
Zach Harrington 19 and
Cory Jackson, 19

Second, in my opinion, bulling/abuse is (a) a flawed effort to gain power; (b) a reflection of behaviors that are modeled and positively affirmed to the bully; (c) reinforced when bystanders are idle; (d) evidence that our culture has normalized verbal, physical and emotional violence.

I could speak to each of these in detail, but for brevity I will say we need to empower others in meaningful ways; this is not the same as patronizing. If we bear witness to any behavior that makes us uncomfortable, we need to be brave enough to call it out- for the bully, the person being bullied and our own personhood. Our humanity is interlinked, every time we do not address abuse we move further from the creation of a safe healthy community. Finally, we have a growing immunity to recognizing violence. We are inundated with such a relentless stream of violence in all forms of media we are coming to a place where we can no longer see it to even call it out. We cannot allow violence of any kind to continue on a path of normalization- it’s simply not normal.

Third, as members of the royal WE community we need to call ourselves to task. Do we use discriminatory language in our everyday that communicates our distain/disapproval of any one group (that is so retarded! that is ghetto! that is so gay!) Are we active and present in changing our behaviors when they make us feel uncomfortable rather than waiting for a cultural paradigm shift that makes our behaviors no longer acceptable (I stopped saying gyped, jewed down, and Indian giver to name a few about five years ago. CNN and Dan Savage could care less). Are we able to call people to task in a loving manner? Are we open to being called out for a behavior that needs loving attention? Do we learn more than the Wikipedia version about the topic, do we take the time to grow in our understanding so we can be a community resource on the topic?

Do we support organizations in their long term efforts to support venerable groups such as GLBTQ youth? Do we donate money? Do we donate our time? Attend their annual event? Click a link and share it on our facebook page so others can learn about the organizational efforts and can contribute as they are able to the organizations success?
And at the root, I would ask: How are WE shifting from caring, compassionate voyeurs into caring, compassionate action-focused activists?

I struggle with onetime events such as wear purple day, pink for breast cancer, rainbow for pride, red for HIV/AIDS awareness or get to excited about women’s/blacks/GLBT history month. I validate the importance of having a rallying point, a group effort to indicate solidarity. However, I live my complicated reality everyday.

In no order: I am black, I am a woman, I am queer, I am a mother, I am poor, I am middle class, I have a mental illness, I am over educated, I am faith filled, I am happy. I cannot even image how many people I piss off on a daily basis by virtue of breathing in an out.

I did not wear purple today, no red on December 1 (World AIDS day) and come June, I will be dodging rainbows like it was an Olympic sport.

I do have your back the other 364 days/11 months of the year.

• I will not tolerate violence to take place in my presence. No, not an option.
• I will call you out in loving/learning manner if you say something classist, racist, xenophobic, ablest, sexist, transphobic, size phobic or ageist.
• In the future, I will resume my support (time and financial) of organizations whose missions align with my beliefs.
• I rock no less than 4 rainbow stickers on my car.
• I will out myself as a queer parent to fight hetero normative stereotypes. Being a parent does not make me straight.
• I will speak with/on behalf of/for marginalized communities when appropriate.

My aim this day and every day is maintain the dignity of others by being present in my own behaviors, being brave enough to act when called out and to love fiercely.

For Briana, Tiffany and Ericka: galactic

There is no loss in the mind of the Divine, therefore, I cannot lose anything which belongs to me. It will be restored or I will receive its equivalent and more. ~Florence Scovel Shinn
(Last post from TLH’s Facebook wall 9.22.10)


galactic
There is loss, a short movement that is only felt on the edge of the skin in a way that leaves one longing yet wrapped in understanding; connecting us to the web of life through the soft tears we shed.

This loss.
Your loss.
Our being lost is more of the gut wrenching soul churning act that creates a shift in the time space continuum.
The type of loss that is felt in the marrow of the earth, an irrevocable change in the gravitational pull.

This loss.
Your loss.
Our being lost must be configured into a new galactic map which our hearts must generate in order to account for the collapsing of a super nova star; we must find a way to explain the black hole that is dancing on the edge of our memories of you.
It will take years to fully re educate the world on the impact of
this loss.
Your loss.
Our being lost.

To re learn/reteach your name-
for how does one rename stars, planets, sisters, daughter, nieces, mothers.
It will take the better part of an ion to transfer memory into past tense, if it is even possible.

And as I watch moonbeam light which you carried in your smile, fade, I know you have left me enough light to follow, if I am willing, when I am able.

And it is this loss,
Which must be surrendered.
your loss,
which you have already surrendered
our being lost,
which can only be turned over to a high power

Briana Franzmeier: Our last conversation was year ago today- at the TC Marathon. I talked of maybe being pregnant; you talked of cancer and recent hysterectomy. Who knew a year later I would be holding my son and you would be gone. Life is precious, valuable and NOW.

Tiffany Harmon: I vividly remember our time at Youthlink. You taught me to be a woman of my worth. You came to my wedding, wearing purple it waved proud in the Sun; it made me feel less afraid. I saw you years later at convention-you were the first person to say, “I know that name it is from the bible”. For this and more, you hold my heart.

Ericka: Words fail, tears fail. No comfort calms. Pain ebbs, tears slow. And I would have it no other way FireFly Goddess.

Visiting Grace

I asked as a joke and received a YES as a blessing. I not only know I am going to be okay, I know I am coming out of the last 30 months of assorted mental health issues a better human.

Last year at this time last year, I broke; All the duct tape came undone and I was left dazed and wandering. My sister Ericka passed away and two weeks later my father Alfred had a major heart attack. These events brought us together but it also showed our family dysfunction.

Well soon after we moved to Ann Arbor; I was 6 weeks pregnant and deep in first trimester slumber. Well since waking up, I have worked hard to get better- to heal/ to become some version of whole for myself, for Matthias, the boys and hence for everyone who loves me.

In May, we planned to take a trip home (to Minneapolis), but the boys were ill and in hindsight I still was not in a good head space. However, since having Owl baby my healing has kicked into turbo. I was able to ask for what I needed and received it with all the grace it carried. I asked Aunt Tracy to visit as a joke and she said yes- what a blessing! So Friday, Aunt Tracy, Aunt Adrienne, Sister Dorian and Nephew CJ came to visit us!

First off, seeing their car pull up sent me into happy shock; I am not out of it yet. We talked until we were tired and our faces ached. Dorian and Tracy called me to task about several topics- I needed it. Adrienne and Tracy reminded me where I got some of my habits from… we all need bumper stickers that say “will break for a sale/deal / thrift store” and another announces that we are “Foodies”; Let’s just say they went through Plum Market like they were in the Smithsonian.

I got to see my skin, size, grace and style reflected in these three women- I did not know how much I missed or needed it.

We held CJ, Thumper and Owl until they could barley breathe. The boys played so hard they could not sleep. CJ and Thumper are so much like Dorian and I it is creepy- they we fighting over cars and I had a Barbie doll flash back. And both of these fearless little boys are scared of the vacuum-LOL.

On Sunday before they left, Dorian scrubbed my floor on hands and knees; you do not know love until someone scrubs your floor without being asked-on hands and knees. We talked for a long time, she told me: to take a deep breath, remember I am not alone, that God is working in my life and finally that I AM A GOOD MOTHER; She might as well of told me I won the lottery.

T-Rex was the ultimate husband: doing things before I could ask, making food and filling glasses. He demonstrated our collective growth by having other plans and outlets so he could stay healthy too. We have learned that just as much as we need each other we need other people too!

Their visit was a powerful reminded that I come from a long line of survivors, from women who have taken on the world and never lost the ability to love with their whole hearts. I feel like I could take down the sun with all the joy I have inside. I know I am not only going to be okay, I know I am coming out of the last 30 months of assorted mental health issues a better human.

Life is a Zoo!

The ZOO!
On Sunday we went to the Toledo Zoo, overall not a bad place but I definitely had some observations. The Zoo is much like any state fair, the people watching is out of control. I've got them down to 3ish worth sharing.

1. The rules of fashion and decorum drop one degree for every degree over 75. Which brings up all my fashion stuff- note these fashion issues are mine, they make me uncomfortable. I am judging how these fashion items make me feel not the person wearing the offending item.
The tightness/ shortness of shorts- At some point, I turned to T-Rex and said, "If you your shorts make me think about anti fungal creme, they might be too short". As normal, he ignored me, so I assumed, I am correct.
Shoes... no flip flops are not shoes. So many people wear them for a 2-4 mile walk REALLY?? I have never been a fan of fashion over fuction so flips flops at the Zoo made me sad for people.
There was of course halter and tube tops dresses with BRA's... overall you know how I feel about the tube top but the bra adds a new element. Why?? if you need one, then you should not being wearing the other. PS you need to be within 100 feet of swimming water/ beach/ sand to justify wearing swim wear as out wear.
And those are the most persist offenders.

2. The Zoo's interpretation of AFRICA. It was like they got the Ikea version of a Zoo Exhibit- easy to put together and will fit in this much cubic space. I kinda wanna send the Zoo letter highlighting these points:
A.Africa is a huge place with several ecological systems and animal habitats; placing animals in vast grassland does not make it "Africa", it makes it one of the many animal habitats of Africa. If your goal is to educate, you might want to reign that in a little.
B. Toward the entrance, their is a sign that reads: *&^^%% means Hello in African. Umm I can not even google the number of languages and dialects that are spoken in Africa, the posting of this sign is well just ignorant and lazy.
C. When you enter the exhibit area you find the following fee based items: two food stands, a train which takes people into the grassland habitat, a caricature drawings station, a African exhibit gift store and African animal carousel- before you get to the FREE viewing savanna overlooking the animals (Giraffes, Zebras,a bush deer and some African birds). If Africa is your tourist money trap- and I am sure that it is- class it up, at least try to hide it, don't seem so grabby and hand all deep in my pocket.

3. And my final observation...
Being pregnant, I was walking behind Matthias and Abijah for most of your journey. It was interesting to watch people passing in the opposite direction puzzle over T-Rex's gender. And in the end, the question that came to me over and over (and not for the first time) is/was simple:
So what if you knew T-Rex's gender- what is the value add to your life? What does not knowing take away for you?
Watching this play out so many times in our 6 plus years relationship has really taught me a lot about the human desire to KNOW, to arrive at an answer, to hold it even for mere seconds no matter how false; the human need to grasp RIGHTNESS is amazing (think FOXNEWS anchors, staff and avid viewers.)

This human reality reminds of a pinkie toe, it is not pretty and seeming useless but if it is gone we are aware of it with each attempted step.

Your thoughts are welcome.

How is this for a closing:

I do not think I am saying anything new, I just happen to be figuring out that I want to say it too! QP 2010

Slavery Blame Game- Loius Gates Jr.

This article is from the NEW YORK POST from Louis Gates Jr. (do not
know who he is- google him). I posted it in the comments below- sorry do not yet know how to attach it in the posting.

Having been to Ghana Cape Coast Slave Castle, I have experienced the Door of No Return- the gate way from which captured slaves were taken before boarding slave ships- I am in agreement with Mr. Gates for just as with American Native populations, Jewish Holocaust and Japanese Internment- to name a few of our uglier human atrocities’, the range of players and victims is vast and colorful; the culpability rest on many shoulders. Maybe, as Alice Walker says, the way forward is with a broken heart.

And I would argue that in order to end the cycle and create true closure,we must move forward with empty pockets. I feel like I am already a benefactor from my ancestors process on many fronts- from Africa to America; from Jamestown to Jim Crow; From Montgomery to Katrina; I carry so much rich vibrant hope, history,divine strength and tangible resilience within my marrow, I could not ask for more from the current government in the name of of those same ancestors.

I want to introduce my children to a better world. I want a new 40 acres and mule; I want more than a lump sum check; I think we are worth more than what this country was willing to give sharecrop farmers circa 1863.

I am honest that I do not know what or how that NEW things looks like or what form it takes but I do feel strongly that blame serves no one.
The attached photo is of Cape Coast Slave Castle- found online

It is Hard to Say GoodBye to Yesterday

Back in January I was still working for the YMCA of A2 as the Chilwdwatch Supervisor. I saw what I thought was single dad or at least stay at home dad with his son. Well me being me, I jumped in and gave him parenting advice- as if there are not 10,000 ways to parent. Well later that day I saw him in the pool and then a week or so later in a dance class. I finally got some balls and gave my number and said, "ooh our kids should hang out.. I am a part time stay at home mom..etc". Well somewhere in all this B-Iowa and I along with our families connected as friends and gradually became family of choice.

Over the last 5 months, Team B.E.T.Iowa has been there for us in so many ways it is out of control. Taking care of Abijah, sharing meals, exploring the area (still working on getting B-Iowa to the Jiffy Factory) or our 13 year old texting conversations. These are things they have shared with us; I can only hope that we have given them the same level of rewarding friendship and care in return.

Tomorrow Team B.E.T. Iowa leave on an 11 week adventure to Seattle and then Taiwan until the end of the Summer. I tease B-Iowa that it is like we are going to 2 different Summer camps. 11 weeks seems like a short time BUT in toddler time (for Thumper and T-Iowa) so much learning and changing will happen. For B and E- Iowa change will happen as well; living international should change you. As for us, Me and T-Rex... we are gonna have a baby in a few weeks- who the hell knows what that kind of change that will bring.

In the end, we will reconnect after Summer break and I am sure we will still be close however change is hard. Their leaving right now is hard- just feel like we got some good footing. Explaining it to Abijah is hard- really far way for a really long time is as good as it gets. SO Team B.E.T. Iowa (which I know B-Iowa will hate that I named them :) ) consider this my yearbook signing and send off.

Come back to us whole and safe! We promise to not make too many more friends over the Summer and to welcome you back with open arms.
Not only do I hope you change, I hope you bring the change back and share with us!

The Outsiders Remake? ?

First off you need to understand I was SUPER PREGNANT T minus 34 days. SO I wake up at night, sometimes for a few minutes other times for hours. I have a few tricks to aid me in my awake time but it amazes me what my mind is doing on it's own.
Like last night, I had a movie score in my head, as I went for my nightly pit stop I think I even pit stopped to the rhythm of said movie score. But could not remember for the life of me the movie. When I woke up again, it came to me Harry Potty movie one. Really, my life was moving at the sound of Harry Potter.
Well then I went on a great head journey of other great movie songs. I landed on Stevie Wonder- Stay Gold- From The movie the Outsiders. The song was amazing and by the time he really starts going and the credits roll up the screen tears are flowing, at least for me.
So then my mind took another route- what if they remade the movie the Outsiders?
Historical notes of importance: The novel the Outsiders was written by S.E Hinton and published in 1967; The movie was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and was released in 1983.
Here is my slowed down stream of thoughts:
1. Who would play the lead characters? The original movie features some really hot up and coming male actors including C.Thomas Howell, Matt Dillion, Ralph Macchio, Patrick Swazye and Tom Cruise to name a few. All were only slightly known in movie circles, no one had made it "big"; in fact some I am not sure Tom Cruise had speaking lines. Part of the draw back in 1983 was that you were not tied to the actors. We have moved to a place in cinema where knowing the actor is 3/4 the reason we show up. I am not sure if this unknown actor phenomenon could be replicated.
2. A major theme in the movie is CLASS- the greasers vs. the socs (socialites). The greasers being the poor, mostly white working class kids while the Soc where the upper class kids who were portrayed as having no cares in the world. Since the writing and filming of the original, I think our cultural ability to talk about class has all but dissipatedy. Most people do not even have a lens or the language to talk about class, social economic status, etc. In fact, we are such a culture of excess that even poor kids think they need $100 Nikes so how do you get those who refuse to have nothing but everything to see into a world of those who only have what they need? We have mot managed to do this even slightly well in real time/real world, I am unsure a movie that calls class out so blatantly would work.
3. Race:Ralph M. is the only real brown character in the movie- race is not really outlined in the book; in fact they are all white Oklahoma boys. In a 2010 version, how if at all would race play out. Would the two groups just be mixed and we as viewers asked to be colorblind? Again our cultural paradigm has shifted to make race and class synonymous- ghetto has come to mean poor and black while suburban has come to mean white and middle class;once race is added into the mixture the layer cake only gets thicker. It makes the story richer but not sure it makes the movie more tangible for the current audience.
4. Gangs and Violence: In the book and movie, the Socs gang nearly kill a Greaser by drowning,another greaser stabs and kills one of the Soc gang members with a knife, some type of violence happens to Matt Dillon character and finally there is also a RUMBLE- hand to hand combat fight- at the end of the movie. First off, adding the racial element in with the violence also creates another spin as black males are all gun toting gang members, right? SO moving on... I believe that all the violence which matched the world at the time they were written and filmed would automatically increase to reflect the 2010 time frame meaning more violent and gun filled. Violence is the not only anticipated but expected by movie goers today. Violence in all it's formats has become a momentary afterthought- many people do not even see it anymore. We are almost as at a place where if there is no violence there is no movie. In the original, the violence was not used as a center piece to tie lose ends but used as a way to send the story unraveling even further- I think a 2010 audience would only see the violence.
4.And Finally time frame and context: Do you take the script and reset it into a new time or do you analyzes and discern themes and re write using the core elements...?
I am torn on this point BUT I know that it would make a huge difference for me as a viewer. We can not go back to the rumble fight and community gangs of the past- they no longer exist. However, we can not go forward burying children because gun play is seen as fun; imprisoning brown boys for life because drug selling is the only economic outlet in the community, or questioning, detaining and deporting anyone with dark skin after we have created the largest self manifesting/supply and demand labor system on their backs.
In the end Susie ( yes S.E. Hinton is a woman) was writing about life in small town Oklahoma, about the young men she saw in the early 1960's when so many questions lay open ended- pending war draft and racial dynamics to name a few. I think a key theme would get lost in a remake which is the view of young men as more than bravdo; a view of young men being depth filled, growing, changing individuals- one of the first shining examples of male adolescence on paper and on screen.
So I open the floor, what are your thoughts...?
I think we can not go back but I am cynical and I was up at 3:00 am. Please share your thoughts open and wild!!

Cluck Cluck Mama Hen???

I am still getting use to Ann Arbor weather, as if one could use to rain in the morning and scattered sun vs showers all afternoon. The rain did not stop us from going to Touch a Truck at the Mall- see photo- Thumper and T-Rex had a great time. After a wonderful 2.20 min nap we headed over to see new/old friends. They even feed us! I think the highlight was a guy emailing me becasue he found the wallet I lost Mothers Day weekend-Kindness comes back around!
Blogging is hard, I feel like I need to be smart and witty about everything I think, when the truth is I am only smart and witty inside my head, once it leaves everything is on its own- like balloons a kid lets go of on accident.. I stare up at the shit I did not tie to my arm and hope it does not land in pond where it could hurt wildlife or get mistaken as a UFO.
Still working on a consistent closing.... I like Cluck Cluck since I feel like a Mama Hen... thoughts, idea, suggestion?

First blog first

So yesterday I set up a blog so go figure, now I have nothing cool to say. My mind is all over the place BUT that is what this space is for.. for gathering storm clouds and making a disco.. wait taking lemons and make cream pie? I just hope, like most things in my life, I land somewhere close to the middle.. of a cream pie filled disco storm...?
Okay I have a bunch of facebook postings I have done that I will be converting over to the blog in the coming days. Per the request of T-Rex I will always try to have a photo cause photos make it fun. Here is one from the Ann Arbor Festival of Fools.
Have a great day peeps!